Author: Scott Macleod

Championship Preview

On Saturday April 6th, the beauty that is the WNHL will descend on the Meridian Center to decide the winner of the King Street Cup. This is what it’s all about. Think back to when you were a kid, playing street hockey, a beer in your hand, a dart in your mouth and dreams of the King Street Cup running through your head. This weekend those dreams come true. For some a first time playing for the holy grail, others seek to add on to their legacy, but the goal is the same. To drink OV from the holiest of all grails.

C Boz doing some off season training, circa 1988

However, before the headliner you have to have the opener. Like when Hendrix opened for the Monkees game one on the night will see the Crown Room Kings battle the Welland Stelcobras in a battle for not last. This is not just a fight to not be last and forced to live for a year with Vash on Iron Street. (It’s in your contract, read the fine print boys. Don’t worry though, he said it’s the nice part of Iron Street) . It’s so much more, it’s a new GM who put together a team that looked great on paper, but once they hit the ice…well, they looked good on paper.

More importantly this will be Matt “Dboy” Sajn’s last game as GM of the Stelcobras. After three years of running the team straight into the losing column Sajn will step aside for new blood to take over the franchise. Sajn who is known for building teams that are great in the room, could never find one that was great on the ice. To be fair, trying to find that balance is like trying to find a hooker with a heart of gold.

PSA: Hookers do not look like this

Speaking of people most likely to have chlamydia, Gav Sardella and the Atlas Steelers make their third straight appearance in the finals to battle Craig “American Hell” Laro and the Townline Tunnelers. Laro chose to opposite strategy of Sajn, and chose a team that can be explosive if things don’t go their way. Cockell and Wililard have been known to say a thing or two about a thing or two, however, this is balanced by Oost never saying a word. Seriously, has anybody heard him speak before? Maybe he just lets his goals do the talking as Kenny “Lemieux” Oost has put up career highs in both goals and points. this year.

They look like this

So empty out your kids college fund, max out your wife’s credit card and call your bookie there’s money to be made. Will the Crown Room Kings find a silver lining in their otherwise dark season, or will the Stelcobras bring the fight to send Sajn out with at least a shred of dignity? Can the Atlas Steelers ride Dalton’s coattails to another championship, or will the Townline Tunnelers finish off their first place season in style?

Only one motherfucking way to find out.

Meridian Center

Saturday April 6th.

7 p.m.

2019 Playoff Preview

It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve looked directly into a strippers butthole.

The 2018 – 2019 regular season has come to a close. Since September, the rinks in Welland and Pelham have seen some things. The rise of Kenny “Lemieux” Oost, Billy T scoring his first ever career goal, then following up the next game with his second, and finishing the season with more goals than Boots. (By the way, anybody know his first name? I’ve only ever known him as Boots. Unless that is his real name, but what kind of mother would name her son Boots? That sounds like a French thing, I should ask Barty…) but I digress.

The Townline Tunnelers finished first in the regular season and selected WNHL veteran tender, Stone Cold Anthony Young. The Tunnelers said they knew what they were getting with Young. A veteran goalie, who is coming to the game focused, prepared and most importantly not drunk or high.

This left the Atlas Steelers with the second pick and they selected Zach “Can’t Decide If I Want to Play In The WNHL or Not” Haist. Haist has been described in the media as a wildcard. He is a talented goalie no doubt and can steal games for you, but, will he be Grant Fuhr level drunk and lose sight of what’s important? The King Street fucking Cup.

Pictured: Grant Fuhr. Not Pictured: The bottle of Jack on top of the net.

The third pick fell to Eryn “I Need More Guys” Warden. With the third pick he selected Deaner. [Editors Note: When is D-Raz going to get a chance in this league? Have you seen that garage sale glove he flashes out there? Studies have shown that when he consumes exactly one king can of Black Ice, he transforms and becomes the Black Ice Carey Price.] Also will Woods’ dad throw him out of the game for the terrible, just horrible things he says about him? Fuck..time will tell.

Lastly there is the Stelcobras. Fuck boys she’s been a rough one, but the playoffs are a brand new season. Will the Stelcobras rally around a forgotten Draz, and surprise everybody like some other rag tag bunch of misfits did in the 90’s…what were there names again? Oh yeah…

If you’re not motivated by a lawyer who gets caught driving drunk, and is forced to coach a hockey team of underprivileged youths, and spends most of his time yelling at them from his limo, and telling them to cheat, then I don’t know what will.

Six weeks of playoffs x Six beers per game = 36 beers. We are 36 beers until the championship. Fucking sleep tight boys, it all starts now.