Rose City Hockey Club

The second of the two expansion teams last year, but the only one that wasn’t an embarrassment The Rose City Hockey Club return looking to get even less embarrassing. Mike “The Glassman” Podio returns as GM of the franchise after setting the league on fire with his A+ merch game, and B+ on ice product. What does RCHC have to do to keep progressing in the WNHL? Podio gave himself a Quality Life Assessment and is now looking to go from Dead to Only Better. Lets see if Podio can Drink this Fucker Dry in the draft.

In the first round RCHC grabbed Petey “No Intensity” Nunn. (if you say that aloud it really flows off the tongue). Petey is a gentle little bunny rabbit, both off the ice and on. Just a bouquet of flowers and sunshine. A real joy to be around. At no point should anybody be intimidated by him, as he is just out there to have fun, and looks like it too.

You want scoring? Is that what you want? If so RCHC has got you covered. In the next three rounds RCHC picked “Soft” Sean Boychuck, Brian ” Price is Wrong Bitch” Barker, and last years Andy Bosak winner for the league MVP Ryan “Two First Names” Daniel. That’s a lot of goals coming RCHC’s way. If he can stay on the ice without complaining about his various ailments, Boychuck can be a dominant player, but he is another former first round pick whos stock is falling. Something about these first round players being soft as paper towels (Mox I’m looking at you). Finding Brian Barker in the third round is a huge score for RCHC. If I recall correctly, which I probably don’t, but he had 5 goals in his first WNHL game? Auston Matthews can suck it. In round four is where RCHC found our current league MVP, and scoring leader Ryan Daniel. Once he relinquished the reigns of the Merritt Islanders, he immediately set the league on fire with 32! goals. I mean, the Islanders went on to win the cup without him, but still 32 goals!

With the scoring locked down, RCHC turned their focus to defence for the middle rounds and picked Ryan “Not A” St. Pierre, Ben “Short Pants” Brown and Brian “Rusty” Rusnov. Adding these three to Mr. No Intensity Nunn builds a solid defensive foundation for RCHC. St. Pierre graduated from call up to full time WNHLer and has proved he belongs. He’s a prick on the ice but not in the lot. Perfect addition for the WNHL. Big Bad Ben Brown could be a number one defenceman on any team and Rusty Rusnov who ditched the Chippawa Blues to join the WNHL remains one of the more underrated players in the WNHL and is a steal in the 7th round even if he did play for Chippawa.

To finish out the snake rounds of the draft, RCHC picked up Jeff “El Cunado” Bodden, Rod “The Decaying Bod” Hazely and Sean “The Hawk” Strohak. Two of these three players should not have been drafted before me. Bodden entering his third year and has a total of 8 career goals and Rod Hazely is actively decaying before our eyes. Strohak, however, has an engine that won’t quit and legs that don’t stop moving. Good addition to the ice and the lot. Also in 6-8 months his son might be bigger than him and take his spot on the roster, so keep your eye out for future WNHLer Carter Strohak.

Finally we come to the last three rounds of the draft, the “straight” rounds as it were. In the last three rounds RCHC picked up Deaner to tend the goal. Let’s be honest here, Deaner isn’t as splashy a name as Rumsby or whatever, but he is a longtime WNHL goalie and quite frankly is under appreciated in this league by anybody who is not Podio. You go ahead and ask Podio his thoughts on Deaner, he’ll sort you out. Stopping pucks while giving no fucks. Charles “The Narc” Marcoux in his second season went next, and his brings his 1 career goal with him. In the final round Chris “Brittle Bones” Paco joins RCHC. Paco missed most of last year because he fell off his bike, but exceeded career totals in goals in the short time he player. Paco is my bet for most improved player this year, if he stays off of his bike.

I have to be honest here, RCHC look like a weapon out there. They definitely can put the puck in the net and the defence looks like the can keep the puck out. I would argue they lack some depth, and friendliness. I think RCHC will struggle in the parking lot, and may be last in the league in beer sales, which will hurt the on ice product.

Prediction – 3rd Place

Pelham Effing Hams

Last year saw the Dain City Dusters rebrand to the much improved Pelham Effing Hams, unfortunately, the on ice product remained the same. Stale. Stagnant. Unwinning. Unlikeable. At some point the fingers of blame have to be pointed at the long time GM of the franchise Bryan “Secondary Assist” Baz…. Baz. It’s just Baz. What does a struggling GM do to turn the franchise around? Will Baz continue to put himself on the line with the best players while the rest of the team is left to just figure it out? Does Baz have enough self respect to put out a competitive team? Let’s see how bad Baz botched the braft.

In the first round the Effing Hams made a splash by drafting “Big Balls” Blair Boychuk. Boychuk can be a controversial player on the ice but is a good addition to the room. It’s worth asking though if his toe has fully healed from his bout with gout? Too much salted and cured meats for ol’ Big Balls Boychuk. Following this pick, the Effing Hams grabbed three rookies in the next four picks. Baz was quoted as saying “No old trash on a new team”. Don’t look at me, he’s the one who said it. In the second round Baz picked rookie goaltender Joel “The Skid” Szgatti. Impressive showing in the prospects game pushed The Skid all the way up to the second round. The prospect game is one thing, but the grind of a full WNHL season is another, especially if your on the Effing Hams who consider playing defence to be “extra” and “high maintenance”

In the next three rounds Baz mostly stuck by his “no old trash” policy (his words, not mine) and sandwiched Dryden “The Stache” Marcotte between two more rookies, Jake “Big Mac” McDonald and Nick “Slick Dick” Rankin. (that’s a dick and a balls joke in the same write up. Not too shabby). Not much is known about either rookie, but I can tell you that Dryden can grow a mustache in between periods. Not just any mustache either, a healthy, vibrant, full blown duster. A duster that will make your mother jealous.

Moving on to the middle rounds the Effing Hams kept on boring by drafting Nate “Marsha” Brady with his goddamn green helmet (he should try fitting in too, or him and blue pants can’t start a movement), David Tucker “2.0”, and Callum “White Bread” Gomez. Brady is a good defenceman who can move the puck, Tucker was a rookie last year and was mostly invisible and Gomez can go off the glass and out with the best of them. He also might be the most boring person in the league. Just absent of personality. Would fit in great with the Murder lockerroom. Honestly, not much excitement brought by any of the three and the certainly won’t help bring home a King Street Cup.

However, if you want excitement, if you want pizzaz, the Effing Hams got you covered in the final two rounds of the straight draft by bringing in the wheeler and (more importantly) the dealer Kyle “Perc Master B” Boggio, and Chad “Fucking Hell*” Kellman. (*fucking hell to be said in exasperated tone) Boggio is a great late round pick, and adds energy to any room (mostly in pill form), and ol’ beavertails himself Kellman. Look C where C is D here, Kellman has wheels, but once he hits top gear he gets the speed wobbles, and it isn’t long before he’s gone right off the rails. (probably from hitting rails)

In the straight rounds the Effing Hams continued the rookie obsession by picking up Stef “From the Mean Rue’s” Giroux, Jon “Loins” Loisel and Steve “Playmaker” Pellerin, and honestly it just…

This year the Effing Hams became are rocking the youth movement. Going all in with the most rookies of any team, and turning his back on the players that brought him nothing over the years. You’ll see lead by example by rocking first line minutes while playing like he’s allergic to his own blueline. His points total will be up because nobody rocks imaginary second assists like Baz. I see nothing good in thier furture.

Prediction – 8th Place

Lincoln Street Legends

So close. Yet so far. The Legends, led by the very likeable, the easy to get along with, my friend, your friend, friend of the refs, Jay “Ray of Sunshine” Thom made it all the way to the dance last year only to lose in humiliating fashion to the Merritt Islanders. I won’t post the score as to save Jay Thom more embarrassment, but it was a lot to a little. So how does Jay Thom pick himself up off the dirt yet again to face another year in the Champagne of Beer Leagues? Let’s have a look at the Buffalo Bills (consistent losers) of the WNHL.

In the first round the Legends made the safe pick by grabbing Dalton Wilson. Wilson a longtime WNHL defenceman has garnered enough individual hardware to open up a Home Depot, however, still finds himself on the wrong end of the likeability scale for three reasons; 1)Math Nerd, 2)Bad Mustache,(trying to affiliate with us good mustache guys. Mike Atkinson I’m looking at you) and 3) the worst offence of them all, becoming a firefighter. Now he can help bankrupt municipalities while sleeping for 8-10 hours a night. What a hero.

The Legends, now with Jay Thom and Dalton Wilson on the blue line, looked to find some scoring and picked the Mariah Carey of the WNHL, Ryan “Queen Diva” Bering. Bering a former first round pick has now fallen to the second round with the rumours being that he is difficult to manage in the dressing room. Look, dudes from Fonthill, they run different. They are born with a sense of superiority that only comes after being told since birth that 892 means I’m better than you. Bering is hoping for a bounce back year and the rumours are that he found a spray tan that won’t run when he sweats, so he’s at least got that going for him.

In the third and fourth rounds we see the dichotomy of two picks, one being the most overrated and the other being the most underrated players in the WNHL. In the third round the Legends picked up Christ “Rat Fink” Accursi. This can generously be described as a bit of a reach. Accursi seemingly passes the eye test. Seems friendly in the room, good skater, good puck control, but when you look deeper is when you find out that Accursi is the biggest fraud in the WNHL. Year after year he’s drafted in the top rounds yet has reached double digit goals just twice in his career, if he manages to show up to more than half the games. His inflated assist totals will take a hit when Brock “Conky” Conklin can no longer carry his game. His game is as fake as his handshake. In the fourth round however, we have the ONLY 3 time King Street Cup Champion, a league MVP, a scoring champion and a player that’s full of passion, Chris “Hall of Fame” Woods. This absolute disrespect by leaving this kind of resume until the fourth round, but apparently Legends just had to have a overrated rat in the previous rounds. Anybody else think it’s weird that they drafted two players back to back with combined height of six feet? (Throw Ryan “Tiny” Bering in there while we’re talking about it)

In the middle rounds the Legends secured the mid level talent in the draft by picking up Mike “I just need a break for a year or two” Watson, Aron “A-Ron” Bahn and rookie Spencer Cook. Cook had some impressive outings in the prospects game, but still needs to prove himself in the show. Mike Watson returns after an impressive rookie year that apparently took so much out of him he needed a break for two years. The mental and physical toll of the WNHL is real. Aron Bahn who has finally adapted to the league and manages to play even if his brother is not on the same team, which is a big step for him. We here at www.wnhlwelland.ca are all very proud. The Bahn brothers are interesting because one looks like he was chiseled out of marble, while the other looks like he eats marbles.

The Legends micicked the the Crowland Murder “triple b” picks by going full WWE and picking triple H. Hugye, Habjan, and Hatton. Chris “Hillbilly” Hugye, one of the nicest players in the league and a great addition to a team if you’re looking to cook up a full pig. Hugye is there to balance out the intensity of Kris “Intensity in 10 Cities” Habjan. Habber is a great guy to pick if you need the most intense guy in the room to score one goal. Finally you get T.J. “The Closer, but is he”? Hatton. T.J. is a good mix of the previous two picks, great room guy, but also has some of that famous Habjan intensity. They’ll score the same amount of goals.

In the final three rounds, the Legends grabbed goalie and most improved player Drewbie ‘The Newbie” Milkovich, TJVB, and Henry “Chixdigit” Weins. I’m not sure what you want me to say here. Drewbie is looking to climb the ranks of the goalie charts, Weins captained the Welland Blue Stars to a Christmas Classic Championship, and TJVB exists.

This team is 100% mid. Good isn’t good enough, the bad is too bad for a championship and the leadership is…let’s say…temperamental.

Prediction – 7th Place