Townline Tunnelers

“To be the man, Wooooooo, you have to beat the man” – “Nature Boy” Ric Flair.

Ric Flair knows what it takes to win championships (and where to get cheap valtrex), and so does GM Craig Laro and the Townline Tunnelers. The reigning King Street Cup Champions are set to defend their title against an expanded field of eager and hungry (because a large portion of them are high) competitors. Will the Tunnelers have what it takes to repeat as champions? As far as I can remember, the only two people every to win back to back King Street Cups are Chris “Reigning MVP” Woods and Scotty “G.O.A.T” Legend. (This has not been fact checked, but I’m printing it anyway) Craig “Sky Caught Fire” Laro is coming back for another year as GM of the Tunnelers, and sat in the second position in the draft. Let’s scrutinize and criticize shall we?

Why change what works rights? Within the first four rounds Laro managed to unite former MVP Alan Cockell, current MVP Chris Woods and the unshakable Colin Cook. Laro, Cockell, Woods, and Cook make up the Tunnelers core, and this year Laro added rookies Ethan Clark who with brother Liam make up the Fantastical Flying Clark brothers. This is a huge get for the Tunnelers, as these two, while not twins, are in the running for ugliest siblings with the Sedin’s and those twins for the original Degrassi.

As ugly as they might be the Clark brothers can play, and could form a power line with Craig “Dumptruck” Dunsby who jumped ship with Tucker 2.0 from the Atlas Steelers (blood not blue enough). Both players entering their second season in the WNHL and both bring grit to the ice, and character to the room. With the powderkeg that is Cockell and Woods you need some deterrent. Something to put out the flames when the Tunnelers are down 2 in early in the second. The Tunnelers did a good job of adding to their room through the later rounds of the draft with such gems as, John “Two First Names” Harvey (who is looking to stake his legacy in the WNHL with back to back cups), Mike “Fought the” Law and Kenny “Lemieux” Oost are Tunnelers for life it would seem (so they are familiar with the goings ons and what nots) while Jeff “Spins” O’Neil returns after playing fot the Lincoln Street Legends for a year. The year that the Tunnelers won the cup. Weird.

In the final two rounds Laro added rookie Mike Atkinson (I have no idea who this is, so I’m just going to move on) and in the last round goalie Denis Martin (pronounced Den-Knee Mar-Tain as if you grew up on the East Side of Welland). It was said that the Tunnelers could have won the King Street Cup with me in net, and it appears that Laro is going to test that theory. The Tunnelers brought back a lot of players from last years King Street Cup winning squad, but there are a couple noticeable absences on the blue line that Laro will need to fill. The Tunnelers are going to be contenders this year, but I think there are too many holes in the armour and the King Street Cup Hangover gets to them.

Prediction: 2nd

Here we stand on the brink of the unknown. Staring into an 8 team abyss., awash with beer, weed, and hockey tape. We find ourselves on the precipice of greatness, mere days away from setting on a journey that will leave no man unchanged and no beer undrunk. Wednesday night in the Crown Room at the historic Rex Hotel in Welland, 8 General Managers drew the battle lines, swore their allegiances, turned former teammates into enemies, tore families apart, pitted brother against brother and when the dust settled we established the eight squadrons that will set upon the quest for the Holiest of all Grails the King Street Cup.

Atlas Steelers

Coming out of the WNHL golf tourney / bbq, (which was graciously hosted at Chalet Campbell), The Atlas Steelers and their GM Jon Campbell stood atop the fallen with the number one pick. He was given the chance to shape the direction of the draft and hitched his wagon to Sean Boychuk. It’s certainly a safe choice, Boychuk is unquestionably one of the best players in the league and plays a two way game, which is important to establish on Campbells teams due to his own stead fast refusal to play in his own end. (Campbell has to carry an epi pen he’s so allergic to his own blue line).

Speaking of allergies and needles Eric “Unclean” SInclair returns to the WNHL and once again finds himself partnered with Campbell and the Atlas Steelers. These two have a perfectly normal relationship and we shouldn’t question why they can’t play hockey without each other, like ever. I think they get the shakes if they get too far apart. Sinclair a one time top round draft pick returns to the new WNHL and finds himself falling all the way to the bottom of the second round. Clearly the GM’s don’t see the same powerhouse he once was, or perhaps Campbell threatened their families should anybody even look at his precious.

I’ve spoken before about the kind of rooms the Steelers build and credit where credit is due, the Steelers may have a hall of fame room. Coming off his Mark Laforest award winning season, Colin “Holier Than A” Nunn becomes the first ever goalie drafted, and the Steelers followed this up by drafting a WNHL OG Phil “Passing Isn’t My Forte” Busby. Both high level players on the ice and high level room guys. Steelers continued to build a strong room by adding the WNHL’s Guy Fieri (that’s the fanciest chef I know), Eryn Warden, Gordie “Hooter” Hudak, Henry “Weeeeeeeeeens” Wiens and a returning Pete “Peewee” Voynovich. (By the way, somebody should tell him that holding is a penalty now. Even if you laugh while you do it). I dare you to find somebody, with something bad to say about any one of these guy. I double dog dare you. You can’t. The Steelers kept with the Steelers tradition of building a team from the room out and this year is no different.

The Steelers dipped their toes in the rookie pool bringing in James Mahon, who I don’t know enough about to give a clever nickname to, (I pretty sure he’s tall)? and Theron “The Welland Tiger” Ebert. These two will be brought onto the team to compliment second year player Jeff Bodden and Phil Hauser, both of whom I had to look up to see if they were rookies or not. So tells you what I know about these turds. They also drafted Fabiani.

That’s what the 2022-23 Atlas Steelers look like heading into the season. There is no question that the room will be a success, but will it transfer over to the ice? Probably not. I said a lot of things at the draft about the Steelers, I don’t remember exactly what, but I remember I made excellent points. Colin Nunn is entering the season under the spotlight as the number one goalie in the league and the Steelers in the past have not been known for their prowess in their own zone. The theory here seems to be, instead of trying to play defence , let’s put all the pressure on the goalie to bail us out. But hey, if the Steelers defence can execute tape to tape passes to the opponents blue line, Campbell will be waiting with some slick breakaway moves. There is enough offensive power on the Steelers to carry some games, so they won’t be pushovers, but I predict a middle of the pack finish this year in the standings, but a first place room.

Prediction: 4th