2019 Playoff Preview

It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve looked directly into a strippers butthole.

The 2018 – 2019 regular season has come to a close. Since September, the rinks in Welland and Pelham have seen some things. The rise of Kenny “Lemieux” Oost, Billy T scoring his first ever career goal, then following up the next game with his second, and finishing the season with more goals than Boots. (By the way, anybody know his first name? I’ve only ever known him as Boots. Unless that is his real name, but what kind of mother would name her son Boots? That sounds like a French thing, I should ask Barty…) but I digress.

The Townline Tunnelers finished first in the regular season and selected WNHL veteran tender, Stone Cold Anthony Young. The Tunnelers said they knew what they were getting with Young. A veteran goalie, who is coming to the game focused, prepared and most importantly not drunk or high.

This left the Atlas Steelers with the second pick and they selected Zach “Can’t Decide If I Want to Play In The WNHL or Not” Haist. Haist has been described in the media as a wildcard. He is a talented goalie no doubt and can steal games for you, but, will he be Grant Fuhr level drunk and lose sight of what’s important? The King Street fucking Cup.

Pictured: Grant Fuhr. Not Pictured: The bottle of Jack on top of the net.

The third pick fell to Eryn “I Need More Guys” Warden. With the third pick he selected Deaner. [Editors Note: When is D-Raz going to get a chance in this league? Have you seen that garage sale glove he flashes out there? Studies have shown that when he consumes exactly one king can of Black Ice, he transforms and becomes the Black Ice Carey Price.] Also will Woods’ dad throw him out of the game for the terrible, just horrible things he says about him? Fuck..time will tell.

Lastly there is the Stelcobras. Fuck boys she’s been a rough one, but the playoffs are a brand new season. Will the Stelcobras rally around a forgotten Draz, and surprise everybody like some other rag tag bunch of misfits did in the 90’s…what were there names again? Oh yeah…

If you’re not motivated by a lawyer who gets caught driving drunk, and is forced to coach a hockey team of underprivileged youths, and spends most of his time yelling at them from his limo, and telling them to cheat, then I don’t know what will.

Six weeks of playoffs x Six beers per game = 36 beers. We are 36 beers until the championship. Fucking sleep tight boys, it all starts now.