Crowland Murder

In the final spot in the draft board sat expansion team the Crowland Murder. After rumours swirled about potentially being named the Woodlawn Warriors (a.k.a. the Generic Generic’s) Chicken set the league on fire with the Crowland Murder. Chicken McChicken was anointed GM by the commish after spending years roaming the WNHL blue lines for the Legends and the Dusters. Now on his own, free from the tyranny of Baz, Chicken will finally get a chance to fly on his own. He found himself with the last draft position, but with the addition of this years snake draft, Chicken was the first GM ever to make back to back picks. Did he screw it up? Let’s have a look see.

Using his historic position as the first double pick the Crowland Murder selected Ryan “Spray Tan” Bering, and Mark “What’s an Andy” Doyle. Bering a former number one overall pick has seen his stock slide all the way to 8th. Will that motivate him enough to actually pass the puck this year? History says no. Then from high top his golf course throne, where he looks down at the lesser thans, Doyle emerges and blesses the Murder with his presence. This is the first year we’ve seen Doyle playing without Campbell which is why we’ll see Jon with 4 goals this year. Can Doyle thrive away from the cushy Fonthill life and learn to go hard like Crowland? For real though, Crowland go hard.

Not only did he leave the Dusters but Chicken took Dryden “The Mustache” Marquette with him. Chicken and Dryden will make a strong defensive core for the Murder and are going to be tough to play against in their own zone. The Murder (it’s just fine to type) picked up on Frankie “The Tankie” Mauro and Bill “The Thrill” Crumm. Solid selections for the expansion franchise, players that can play up and down the lineup as they say, and great room additions. They also brought in the villain of the WNHL Steve “The Pet Peeve” Wurfel. Wurfel isn’t afraid to get in the mix, and try to goon it up, (as far as WNHL standards go). Then just to watch the world burn the Murder drafted Zach “The Wildcard” Haist. The only player in WNHL history to have a rule named after him because he is such a goddamn cheater.

Going into the championship rounds the Murder added brought in Ryan “All Natural” Habjan, and the returning Chris “The Hipster” Hugye. Straight from last years call up list Tommy “Woodstick” Muir gets a full time spot with this years Murder squad. (that’s also fun to write). The Murder ended the draft with the rookie trifecta with Alex “AR4” Rysdale, Jason “The Closer” Hatton, and BJ “Mr. Irrelevant” Mowatt who won a wonderful gift basket at the draft. The Murder are a wildcard, anything goes.

Prediction: 4th

Merritt Islanders

The Merritt Islanders sit at number 7 in the draft order but maybe number 1 in team names. The long time struggling franchise has new leadership this year as Tyler “The Rose City Thorn” Stack takes over the reigns and looks to breathe some life into a dying franchise. Stack actually won the WNHL Draft Lottery and selected number 7 as his draft spot. Not number 1. Number 7. Say what you will about Stack, this was a dumb move. Let’s see how this move worked out for him.

The Islanders used that 7th overall pick to select Lance “The Paco Destroyer” Romance. Coming off his King Street Cup Championship with the Townline Tunnelers Romance jumps ship to anchor the back end for the Islanders where he will look to assassinate pucks and Pacos. In the second round the Islanders committed to their long time forward Willard The Unlikeable. Willard has played for the Islanders for a couple seasons now, however, this year he doesn’t have to carry Ryan Daniel or the weight of his pony tail on his back anymore, so we could see Willard go off for 30 this year.

In the next two rounds the Islanders struck gold and drafted the Beadle Boys, Teddy Ballgame and Jeff “Less Cool Nickname” Beadle. In the world of WNHL brothers, you’ll be hard pressed to find a better two than the Beadle boys, both on the ice and in the room. Dingers and singers are what you get when you draft the Beadles. The Islanders followed this up by selecting Aaron “The Lesser of the Two” Bahns. Mid pick used on a mid player. The Islanders continued building room depth with the addition of “Not Tall” Al Jones. While the Islanders ended up with the lesser of the Bahn brothers, they came out on top in the splitting of the Doyle boys by drafting Andy “Who’s Mark” Doyle. In these mid rounds the Islanders have done a great job of setting the team up for great room this season.

As we move to the championship rounds, the Islanders locked up the goalie position by selecting Ryan “The Educator” Rumsby, who returns to his goalie roots after a less than impressive season as a skater. Rumsby realized that skating is actually hard, and he would prefer to just stand there for most of the game, leading to him to find his way back between the pipes. The Islanders then picked up Matt “The Neighbour” Backshall. The closest he’ll ever come to being a champion is living next door to one. TJ “Can’t Close” Hatton joins the Islanders as an insurance policy for a great room. An insurance policy they’ll need as they also brought in Shawn “Greyhound” MacKinnon and The Human Conspiracy Theory Grant Vash. The former is about as well liked as ranch dressing with wings, while the latter believes the world to be flat. The Islanders capped off the draft by selecting “The Inspector” Dave “Dig Your Grave” Gomez.

Prediction: 6th

Crown Room Kings

The mightily named and terribly logoed Crown Room Kings sat in the sixth spot of the draft. After taking over as GM last year Rob “Robbie Foe” Foster and the Kings took the league by storm with a strong second place regular season finish. Going into the playoffs the Kings were favoured to make a King Street Cup appearance, then tragedy struck. The playoff inexperience showed and the Kings found themselves playing in the Toilet Bowl for the last place in the WNHL. How do the Kings recover from such a monumental collapse? How do you pick yourself up after getting kicked in the dick so hard? (Guess you could ask the Bills eh? It’s a football joke for football season).

One of the main reasons the Kings struggled in the playoffs last years was the absence of Peter “Mugshot” Nun. Mugsy, a big minute eater for the Kings suffered a season ending leg injury last season which led to the above mentioned dick kicking. The Kings wasted no time resigning Nun with a first round pick. In the second round the Kings drafted the first ever professional athlete to play in the WNHL. After hanging up the Ol’ Stick and Basket (I have no idea what lacrosse slang is) former Buffalo Bandit, and current WNHL rookie Mike “Moxie” Hominuck returns to his roots, Welland Hockey. The adjustment should be an easy one as the beers go down the same in both dressing rooms.

Foster stayed hot in the draft and picked up Dirty Dino Danglina in the 3rd round. Dino shares the rare distinction with Cockell of being the only two players to ever make Dalton snap. Dino is a great room addition for the Kings and will be joined by the always reliable “The Real Deal” Neil Bahn. Appearing out of a cloud of smoke Matt “Double Dabs” Dusso joins the Kings and brings with him smooth hands and even smoother dabs. The Kings brought in two rookies in the next two rounds with Darren “Double D’s” Dimarco, and Jeff “The Psychopath” Saylor. Why psychopath you ask? Saylor was seen after a prospects game eating pineapple pizza with a knife and fork. If that’s the kind of first impression you are not afraid to make, in a league centered around pizza, you clearly have at minimum psychopathic tendencies.

I’ve spoken often of the importance of a good room here at wnhlwelland.ca. The Kings have already set a solid foundation with the above mentioned players, however, as we progress to what we call the championship rounds, (because let’s be honest, this is where championships are won and lost), Foster took over the draft and established what may be WNHL Hall of Fame room. Starting with the tendy, Dave “Cousin Save” Bradley will bring his Felix Potvin like reflexes to the Kings. (That’s a really good joke. I’m very happy with that one). Save is always good for a pregame beer and dart, and a post game beers and darts. Kings continued with Jake “Falls A Lot For A Boxer” Hope, and then brought in the missing piece. The championship pedigree. The two time WNHL All Star Champion. The two time King Street Cup Champion. The 2021 Xmas Classic Champion. You’ve heard of the skid, you know what he did.

You think to yourselves, “Damn hes’ right and handsome, that is a hall of fame room”. But wait. There’s more. In the final three rounds, Foster brought in The Godfather of the WNHL Kelly “The Dicktator” Jones, who takes over as room manager, supplier of beers and room DJ. (Which is something I haven’t talked about yet but room DJ sets the tone and nobody brings a party like DJKJ.

The Kings resigned a pair from last years club that were an unquestionable part of their success Chris “Brittle Bones” Paco who’ll miss the first half of the season due to a 3 Stooges like bicycle accident, and the two time King Street Cup Champion, the longest reigning King Street Cup Champion, future first ballot hall of famer in the room category, you’re friend, my friend, everybody’s friend, “Mr. Welland” Greg Bosak.

Prediction: 1st