Season Preview – Part 3

The Pelham Effing Hams

Much like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, we have the Pelham Effing Hams arising from the blunt ashes of the Dain City Dusters. The Dusters struggled through their existence in the WNHL bringing home zero King Street Cups, zero first place finishes, zero fans. Some would point to the closure of the both the Dain City Tavern and the Bridge really struck a blow to the fanbase of the Dusters, others would point to their original logo as one that actually repelled fans from aligning themselves with a team that looks like the logo was drawn by a 16 year old that just tried their first beer.

Tough start for the Dusters

After negations for a new arena broke down, the Dusters set fire to the old arena and Baz walked away looking all badass while it exploded behind him. Baz then wandered the wastelands until he struck a deal with Pelham to set up shop again. (It’s important to note the difference between Pelham and Fonthill. One has farms, one has streets made of gold). The Pelham Effing Hams are now an established franchise and ready to take on the world. Baz had the third overall pick and last year’s Dan Girardi award winner, rookie of the year and King Street Cup champion Kevin Wright fell “right” (see what i did there)?in his lap. That a franchise player for the Effing Hams. Baz no doubt recognized one of the problems that plagued the Dusters was year was keeping the puck out of their own net, so Baz doubled down on defenceman and picked up “Goddamn” Boots, and former Mark Laforest award winner Anthony Young. That is a strong defensive core which is needed because if you think Jon Campbell doesn’t play in his own zone. Baz makes him look like a less french looking Patrice Bergeron.

Baz backchecking 2 minutes into a 7 minute shift

With all that defence, where are the goals going to come from? Apparently from a cloud of reefer, as the “Red Eye Jedi” Chris Bosak takes over responsibility for the Effing Hams offence. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a guy who is likely 4 beers and 3 blunts deep by puck drop. Baz added rookie Michael “Resistance is Futile” Borg before jumping back on the “d” (see what i did there?) and picking up Carl “Good To See You” Bering. Effing Hams hoping the Tunnelers strategy of backend first, but the Tunnelers have Cockell, Baz picked up on Jeff “Clean Sheets” Donaldson. It’s like getting the Oates, or the Garfunkel, or either one of Seals and Croft of the WNHL. Donaldson was once feared in this league for his lethal toe drag, but like Samson when Donny lost his beard he lost his toe dragging power.

D Man working on his defensive game this year

The Effing Hams didn’t shy away from the rookies by picking up Albert “What’s what’s app” Garofalo, Steve Pellerin and Jon Loisel who I don’t know well enough to make fun of them on Al Gore’s internet yet. The Effing Hams TJVB from the Lincoln Street Legends and to top of the room the Effing Hams went both ways by added league favourite Kyle “How many jokes can I make about him selling pills” Boggio and league pariah Chad “Beavertails” Kellman. The Effing Hams quest for the cup starts on Wednesday, but will come up short due to lack of scoring.

Prediction: 5th