Season Preview – Part 8

Atlas Steelers

The only original four franchise still standing The Atlas Steelers are once again under new management. After Jon Campbell failed to bring the franchise a championship he stepped aside in disgrace to allow better looking management take over. The WNHL’s Ryan Seacrest, “Philthy” Phil Busby takes the reigns of the Steelers and looks to restore the franchise to their former glory. The Steelers won two of the first three King Street Cups, but fell on hard times under the management of Campbell. His strategy of drafting heavily from the Fonthill region did not pan out and fans called for his resignation. Let’s see how “Philthy” Phil reshapes the once great Steelers.

Busby does not deserve such a cool nickname.

With the last pick in the first round the Steelers picked the “Walking Condominium” Lance Romance. Just an absolute menace year in and year out in the WNHL. Romance looks like a dad who is trying way to hard against his kids team. It’s a safe, can’t miss good start for the Steelers. Then Busby sent the goddamn world on fire and drafted Ryan “Scumsby” Rumsby. Rumsby is the only player in WNHL history to win back to back King Street Cups, first as a player, then after returning to his natural position, one as a goalie. This is the highest a goalie had ever been picked, Busby showed up, rocked the boat, and sent shockwaves through the GM’s table. I would argue that this pick altered the draft strategy’s of more than one GM.

Pictured: Romance and Rumsby

Just when things started looking good for the Steelers, Busby couldn’t help himself, dipped his toe in the heated salt water Fonthill pool and picked longtime Steeler Eric “The Red Baron” Sinclair. Sinclair is a great hockey player, good locker room guy, but has only known the Steelers. It’s like going to out of town college but staying with your highschool girlfriend. Time to explore the other franchises. See what you like. No judgement here. Spread those beautiful ginger wings.

Busby then brought in two players who look and act like Fonthill people but actually aren’t. The Coke Zero’s of the WNHL, Neil “The Beautiful Idiot” Bahn, and Colin “The Pressure” Cook(er). This is a good defence combo. Bahn is an offensive defenceman without the offence, or the ability to form a coherent thought. Colin Cook is an underrated try hard defenceman who stays like a Ken doll. Dick free. The nicest person to ever steal the puck from you. He’ll even give you cookies after the game. Makes you feel better about your -2

Clearly afraid to branch out on his own Busby brought in not one, but two, former GM’s of the Atlas Steelers, creating some sort of evolution of the Atlas Steelers. Gavin “SARS” Sardella, named that because I’m 68% sure he started the SARS virus, and Jon “Camper” Campbell*, named that because he sets up camp on the the opposing blue line, return to ride shotgun to the new generation of Steeler management. (*it should be recognized that he scored a King Street Cup winning goal, preventing me from my third championship, and wilI hold an eternal grudge). Sardella knows what it takes to win, but is currently held together by duct tape. Campbell has (aside from one stupid goal) never won a goddamn thing. Brought the franchise to the dark ages.

All Steelers GM’s in one photo.(I sure hope people like wrestling jokes as much as me)

To end the straight rounds of the draft, the Steelers picked up one of the under 30’s Liam “The Sauceman” Clarke, and two of the over 40’s Theron “My Back Hurts” Ebert and Gordie “My Everything Hurts” Hudak. Clarke uses his age advantage to see the game and move quickly, while Gordie and Theron like to get out for a nice skate once a week. Just to keep the blood flowing. At their age they can never be too safe. Busby continued the veteran presence in the straight rounds by bringing in Kelly “The Big Bossman” Jones and Pete “Dirtiest Player in the Game” Voynovich. Jones won’t bring you goals, but he’ll bring your beer, and Voynovich is known for his off ice art, and being an on ice shart to play against. They also drafted BJ Mowat.

Ebert, Hudak, Jones, and Clark.
(I can’t explain it but Gord Hudak is the Steve Guttenberg of the WNHL)

What’s that thing they say about trying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results? Busby was given the reigns to a once great franchise and had a chance to steer the team in a new and exciting direction, but like any corporate takeover, it’s all flash, no substance. The Steelers have kept the same franchise players, they brought in old management, and aside from a flashy new logo have brought nothing new to the franchise.

Prediction – 6th Place