Q: Two Times, thanks for sitting down with me today.  The first question I have for you is, how do you handle the pressure of being a two time champion and future first ballot WNHL Hall of Famer?

A: That’s a good question, thanks for asking.  Obviously the weight of two WNHL rings can weigh heavy at times, I just go out and play each game the same way I always have.  Hard up the ice, half ass back check, and then to the bench where I try not to die.

Q: That’s the best answer I’ve ever heard in all my days as a journalist.  This year you’re a Townline Tunneler, how do you compare this team to your previous championship teams?

A: Listen, there isn’t a comparison.   The Kings dropped the ball when they picked Chris “Coat Tails” Woods without me on his team.  We all know his rings were earned with MY blood, sweat and tears.  He was just there to reap the rewards of playing on a line with Cockell and myself.  It’s clear the Kings are a Fonthill team and can not handle the Welland grit that I bring.  The Stelcobras drafted Kellman before me, in case you’re wondering why they are sitting at 0 wins.  It’s like Kanye said, “Too many Urkels on your team, that’s why your Winslow”.   The Steelers picked Jon Campbell before me.  I hope they own farms, because they drafted a great cherry picker.  The Townline Tunnelers are legit championship contenders.  We will go bar down on your sister.

Q: Wow, great insight! You are a real pleasure to interview.  Final question, why are you sometimes called the Kevin Stevens of the WNHL?

A:  The way I see it, the WNHL is a lot like the 91-92 Penguins.  Sometimes you get to play on lines with Lemieux and Kovalev, and other times you get caught doing lines while banging whores.  Either way it’s Kevin Stevens approved.

Q: After two tough season you have yet to get into the win column this year.  What do you say to the Stelcobras season ticket holders that may be getting restless?

A: “I’d like to reach out to all Stelcobras season ticket holders and first of all express our thanks for standing behind the team. I mean, you look at any of the big teams nowadays — the leafs, the bruins, d2 mighty ducks — they all went through some adversity over the past few years. One main difference is that you can actually afford beer at a Stelcobras game, so this is what we are hoping will keep people interested in the on ice product, or lack thereof. Plus, I think you’re getting some serious action from the players. Billy Topolinsky has recently become skating coach, and i’ve taken on the role of ‘on ice awareness coach’, which is totally made up but I think really helps the guys crunch corsi and what have you”.

Q: We’ve all read about Hugye and his draft story, how has his soggy darts affected his play?

A:  “I wouldn’t really know much about the details, considering I definitely did not write that article. Still, you see a hunger in how he plays. The guy goes into the corner with a half loaf and leaves with crumbs. On the other side of it, since trading the gas bar attendant that Snap-on hair drier, his mane is a bit soggy out there; still, I think the discomfort he might feel under the helmet is nothing compared to the discomfort d-lines must feel when he’s bearing down on the left wing, and asking how your day is going before pulling a Linden-esque move out of his back pocket”.

Q: What are some examples of the tunes you’ve been playing in the room and who is in charge of said tunes?

A: “Kelly Jones is really the lead guy for the tunes. The other day, he put together a Street Pharmacy playlist that was shot down in the pre-game chat, but he came back with an ‘Enya-inspired’ mix that really put some hair on our backs. I think a pretty good snapshot of the playlist might be the following:

Simon and Garfunkel – The sound of silence
Bonnie Tyler – Total Eclipse of the heart
Black Sabbath – Changes
Simon and Garfunkel – The sound of silence (millenium extended edition)
Johnny Cash – Hurt

I think the boys need a bit of a pick-me-up, so it might be a good time to get some J Geils Band going for tonight’s big match-up against the tunnelers”.

Thanks for taking time out of you clearly very busy schedule to do this today.

By: Anonymous Stelcobra

This past Wednesday, we had the annual WNHL draft at the Rex. Following the night, WNHL athlete Chris Hugye took home what was said to be a congeniality– a Snap-on hair dryer. The whole night, I was convinced that Kelly was saying ‘Strap on hair dryer’, so the whole thing was both surprising and unexpected. Anyways, when all was said and done, me and Hugye decided to take a walk to the only corner gas station nearby, and buy some darts. As soon as he walked in, I knew he meant business. He walked up the cashier, and said something to the extent of ‘Here’s what’s going to happen here’. Almost certainly thinking he would be robbed, the cashier obliged to listen. ‘I’m going to give you this here snap on hairdryer, and you’re going to give me two packs of darts’. The cashier, a seasoned grifter, was aware of how he was being given the Port Dover pony-business. He responded with the offer of one pack of cigarettes. Hugye, barely thinking about the implications of not being able to dry his hair with such force and speed, responded with the offer of one pack of cigarettes, and three suckers. The extra sucker, he said, was for my girlfriend (a testament to the type of gentleman that Hugye is known as across the league). The cashier obliged. After heading back to my house for a beer, Hugye forgot his pack of darts on my patio. They were rained on, and were reduced to a pulp by the next morning That is the most WNHL thing I’ve ever seen.