5 – Lincoln Street Legends

Much like the Rocky franchise we find ourselves past the good ones, and are now in the Tommy Gunn part of the franchises. Jay Thom returns once again as GM for the Lincoln Street Legends where we here at the WNHL say “best logo, worst GM”. While the Legends have yet to find their way to the King Street Cup, Thom will tell you, without prompting, that he has been screwed the past two years. Let’s take a look at what they’ll do this year, and what excuses we may see being made.

In 2019 Thom was confident as a GM, his team was firing on all cylinders and found themselves on top of the standings, however, before the cup could be handed out the world shut down. Evidently the entire world did not want the Legends to win. When the league picked up play again, Thom picked a team that he told everybody would be his championship team, he was going to pick up right where they left off and bring home the greatest trophy in sports.

So what happened to the once great Lincoln Street Legends? How did they manage to go first to worst, and what will they do this year to right the ship? If you ask Jay Thom what the problems were last year, he’ll quickly point to attendance issues. It would appear the players that he drafted did not want to show up an play. Maybe they didn’t want to play for the GM? (Nobody said that, I’m just talking shit). They are just like people with STD’s. Just because they don’t care doesn’t mean it isn’t affecting other people. I should qualify we are not talking about all his players, not everybody was riddled with STD’s, but a couple of key skaters, impact players, for whatever reason, would be absent week in and week out. On the surface this looks like an issue a GM has no control over, however, I would argue that GM”s need to be in the know. Did somebody just have a new baby? Does somebody work shift work? Maybe they are a firefighter, and have to spend the night sleeping and posing for calendars while at the same time bankrupting a city? These are the things the GM needs to know going into the draft.

Last year for the players that did show up, Phillip “The Thrillip” Busby was a key contributor, leading the team in goals just ahead of Nate “Peter” Brady. If we look to the bottom of the goals scored list, we find Jeff “D Man” Donaldson, who tallied just two goals last year. I’m not going to go too hard on D Man because he cleans the best sheets in Welland, but I will say that hall of fame level toe drag better get resurrected from the dead, before he finds himself cleaning the sheets permanently. He was outscored by T.J. “Closer on Land, Not on the Ice” Hatton who was drafted in the last round. Speaking of disappointments, Matt “Worst Wife” Backshall struggled through his rookie season, scoring only three goals. I don’t have much more to say about it, just wanted to talk shit about him (and his wife) on the internet. (How you like me now, Jen)?

Now we get to the part of the preview where we look at the GM himself, and the role that he fills on the ice. I’ve played hockey with and against Jay Thom on and off for 20 years. I’ve seen him play all positions, even goalie, but in the WNHL he is planted firmly on the blue line. I mean that literally, he doesn’t move his feet. I’ve seen him get windburn from players blowing past him. (He also passes up the middle a lot. Some early scouting for you new WNHLers). Where he is effective however, is in front of his own net where I’ve been on the receiving end of elbows, butt ends, slashes, and other unwanted touching. (Riverview Carly and I have the similar complaints). Thom locked down the rest of his defence last year with Brady and the man known only as Boots, but still gave up the most goals in the league at 120.

So what does he do this year? What changes for Thom who felt like he had the best team on paper last year? In the five spot there will still be some explosive offence available, but will there still be enough defencemen available by the time the draft snakes all the way back to him? I think Thom is going to split the difference and draft an offensive defenceman.

Prediction: Dalton “Egghead” Wilson

4 – Rose City Hockey Club

We have now reached the first in our expansion teams, The Rose City Hockey Club (RCHC). New GM, but veteran WNHLer Mike Podio got the promotion to GM and is handed the reigns to his own team. How do I write a draft preview for a new GM and a new team? I have no idea. Be prepared for lots of filler, as we take a look at The Rose City Hockey Club.

It was almost done in secret. Even the members of the leadership committee were kept in the dark regarding Commissioner Jones plans to expand. He really puts the dick in dictator. When the news dropped and word got out that Podio had been named GM it was met with great enthusiasm throughout the WNHL. Podio, one of the more likable players in the WNHL (the complete opposite of Wurfel) used his “Ceremonial Snips” and cut the ribbon on the new franchise, branding it The Rose City Hockey Club. Podio nailed his first decision as GM.

So how does Podio follow up his 100% good decision rate? What does he do at the four spot in the draft? Damned if i know. End of preview.

The problem here with writing this preview is that Podio himself if a versatile player. He has been known to lock down the back end, but has also been seen dominating the center ice position. Podio uses his ample frame to protect the puck and control the play. It’s been said that playing against Podio makes you feel like you have “A Day and a Deathwish”

Of course Podio could always say “Fuck the Pain, Bring the Noise” and draft a goalie in the four spot. That would without a doubt sent the draft into chaos for the other 7 GM’s. There is a lot of talk about who is going to pull the trigger on a goalie first, with some inside sources saying they could see a goalie going in the first four picks. This could be his moment. Podio could give himself a “Quality Life Assessment” (you guys see what I’m doing here right?) and be the first to pull the goalie trigger. That begs the question as to what goalie would he pick? King Street Cup Champion and Mark Laforest award winner Colin Nunn? Perennial league leader Anthony Young? The Fenwick wildcard Nate Haist? Maybe he needs to consult with people that he “They That Trust” to make his decision. (really had to shoehorn that one in there)

In the end the world is Podio’s oyster sitting in the number four spot. He will have the ability to shape his franchise and take it in any direction he wants. Being drafted to the RCHC will at worse, feel like you’re “Dead Only Better”, and at best will be a “Rad Affair”. Being a member of the Atlas Steelers for so long, Podio has been on a room first team for a substantial time, and I believe he will be looking bring that philosophy to the Rose City Hockey Club. Maybe Podio will surpass the Atlas Steelers and “Murder Thy Maker”. Damn it’s getting hard to squeeze these in. Haddonfield.

Prediction – Colin Nunn

3 – Dain City Dusters

Moving down the draft ladder to number three, we find Brian Bazawhatever and The Dain City Dusters. Last season was a chaotic one with the relocation rumours surrounding the team all season, Once the Dain City Bridge was taken down, the tavern closed a short time later and the Dusters found fans tough to come by. The rumours of Fonthill and Fenwick trying to lure the Dusters to secure a second team in the LOS area code plagued the team all season. A good playoff run had the Dusters missing out on the championship by 1 goal in the third tiebreaker. A heartbreaking end for a rollercoaster season, but the Dusters are dusted off and ready to have their hearts broken once again.

Baz likes to build his teams from the top down. Baz will ride shotgun with the top line center, because he, much like Jon Campbell, has a strong aversion to his own zone. In order to make up for his case of defensivitis, Baz will play with a center that can cover both center and right wing in his own zone. Once the center does all that work he can find Baz on the wing near the opponents blue line and that’s where he does the most damage. Baz can snipe. Say what you will about him, you can say he’s big, dumb, and ugly, but boy can he snipe. Last year Ryan Bering the Dusters first round pick was the poor bastard who had to carry Baz on his back. Bering was having a strong season, playing on the same team as his brother Carl “Good To See You” Bering until the two were forced to the long term IR.

Moving down the depth chart Baz iced a second line featuring CBoz and Dusso. Opponents said the two would just appear out of a cloud of reefer and bury four goals on you. CBoz and Deuce,. along with Chicken, Baz, and Habber were strong contributors to the Dusters league leading parking lot presence. As the Steelers draft for the room, the Dusters draft for the lot. The two are very similar, but different.

Baz tried to copy the Leafs (because of all their playoff success) third line of Spezza, Thorton, and Simmonds, and make a third line of veterans, like Billy “BiPolar” Topolinski, and Kevin “Nothing Sucks Like A” Dyson. He also added the two time King Street Cup Champion, the two time WNHL All Star Champion, and the future first round hall of famer Scotty Legend. The trio formed a grind line and worked the corners like Julia Roberts. A full grinding season takes it’s toll and B Top after missing several games through the season retired at the end of the year, Dyson is spending his summer as a statistician for the Jr. Jackfish, while Scotty Legend is getting drunk and high waiting for the next season to start.

So what does Baz do this year? He picked the best offensive player in the draft last year and still ended up on the outside looking in. Does he come out of the gates with a defenceman? For years Baz has relied on Chicken to anchor his defence and together with Dryden formed a strong top pairing. Once Carl Bering was placed on the IR, the second pairing became a problem for the Dusters, as Le Grand Alain was left back there to be paired with Gavin “Should Probably Get Tested” Sardella, who is being held together with duct tape at this point. I don’t think Baz cares enough about defence to pick one in the first round, and he really loves first line centers.

Prediction: Ryan Bering