6 – Crown Room Kings
As we climb further into the depths of hell, we come to Rob “Teacher of the Unteachable” Foster and the Crown Room Kings. Foster took over as GM for the fantasicaly named Crown Room Kings. A name that is in contention for the team name hall of fame. Can’t say the same for their logo though. To be fair, it was the very first team logo in the WNHL, and has served its purpose, I’m just saying it can do for a rebranding. There is such a huge pool of inspiration to draw on. It’s like this article is directed right at Foster eh? Weird. Anyway let’s take a look a the Kings draft preview.
Like Clubber Lang said, the Kings were paper champions. Last year on draft night the Crown Room Kings were the early favourites to win the coveted King Street Cup. Drafting Sean Boychuk in the first round last year proved to be a solid pick as he found himself amongst the scoring leaders. Foster followed that up with Cory “I don’t play in the WNHL anymore because I’m a huge coward” Hutchinson and Bill “The Swiss Army Knife” Crumm. Foster showed his keen scouting eye by picking Silvain “Believe it or not, not French” Roy who contributed with 16 goals in his rookie year. (I hope he’s not French, I think I remember that from the draft last year, but I was drunk and high, so….). (P.S. I mean I hope he’s not French for the sake of the joke, not like I hope he’s not French).
So you’re saying to yourself, damn, that’s a pretty good looking team. But wait, there’s more. He added on top of that, Dirty Dino Dangalena, and Teddy Ballgame. Foster bringing it a couple best guys for the room to balance out the douchiness that Hutchinson brought to the WNHL,. (WNHL isn’t made for the Ambercrombie / Faux hawk crowd). I haven’t even mentioned Peter “Intensity In Ten Cities” Nunn. He’s also good at hockey, and could go in the first round this year.
But wait. There’s more. You know how they say that the drafts are won in the middle to late rounds. The basic strategy here is how can you minimize the damage on the ice from having, let’s just call them unfortunate match ups, while also maximizing the “best guy” ratio in the room. (Nothing worse than sucking on ice and in the room, eh Kellman)? Burn. Foster navigated this by picking hall of fame room, and parking lot presence G “Never Met A Beer He Hasn’t Drank” Boz, and the impossible not to like Chris “Last Pick to Actual Pick” Paco. ‘ll say this too. I saw Paco with his one career goal on the ice in the final two minutes of a playoff game down by a goal and needing to win. Foster runs he team ih the true spirit of the WNHL, bros before goals. Haven’t even mentioned Al Clark. Goddamn what good guy that Al Clark is. They also drafted Neil Bahn.
This team played in the toilet bowl. The last place game. This team crumbled like the Maple Leafs while holding a 3-1 series lead against the Montreal Canadiens. Much like those same Maple Leafs, this team brought nothing in the playoffs. Lowest scoring team in the playoff. Where were Dino’s dirty dangles? Where was the rookie sensation Silvain “Sometime Y” Roy? (It’s an Italian vowel at the end of the name joke. Boy I’m making a lot of assumptions about a guy I’ve met like once). Did the weight of being a first round pick finally collapse on Boychuck’s tiny shoulders? They all disappeared like their fedora wearing teammate.
What does Foster do after such a horrific, unthinkable, heartbreaking collapse. How does he pick up the pieces from his crumbling empire? Lucky for the Kings fans out there, Foster is unshakable. He teaches high school kids, but not even regular high school kids, he teaches the bad kids. The ones that can’t be contained by a regular high school. There is nothing the WNHL can throw at him that can compare with that classroom, and that includes the upcoming draft.
Foster is a utility player, but I think he’s best served as a forward. That being said, with the snake draft, sitting in the six spot, his second pick isn’t very far away to secure top four defenceman. Foster needs scoring, and good room guy. Somebody with championship pedigree.
Prediction: Brian “Can’t Hide in the Fifth Round Anymore” Barker