Townline Tunnelers

Last but not least in our season previews brings us the Townline Tunnelers led by GM Craig “Shieko” Laro.  The balls of destiny bounced off Laro before landing on Warden, leaving Laro with the bluest of draft balls.  Can Laro build the Tunnelers up to a team worthy of that logo or will they stink worse than the actual Townline Tunnel?  Let’s dig in. (get it?)

In the first three rounds the Tunnlers found themselves with Romance, Nun, and Woods which are the three keywords in my pornhub searches.  It’s hard to argue with big Lance Romance as your first round pick.  Big body, scores goals, kills Paco’s.  Oddly enough he uses the same size stick as Chris “Superbaked” Woods in spite of the four foot height differential.

Picking up Dino “Noni” Maddelina was a solid move for the Tunnelers as brings a lot of top end skill as well as being a absolute beauty in the room.  The Tunnelers stuck by their game plan of bringing in new and fresh faces and picked up Neil “What Brother” Bhan, John “We’ve already talked about dudes with two first names” Harvey and Ben “Alliteration” Brown.  All three players coming of strong if not quiet rookie season in the WNHL and look to take that next step in their development.

As we move into the championship rounds, Laro made some strong moves to shore up the third line.  Bringing in guys that don’t need a nickname like Spins, and Grant Vash. Grant Vash is the WNHL version of Phil Kessel. Not well liked, eats a ton of hot dogs, and does nothing but score goals. That’s a triforce worthy of the Legend of Zelda. In the last two rounds, Laro stuck with longtime Tunneler Kenny “Lemiux” Oost, who saw his breakout season happen on the Tunnelers and TJ “Opposite of a closer” Hatton. Hatton can close deals all over Welland but put him on the ice and…

Will 2020 be the years the Tunnelers rise up and return to the top of the standings in the WNHL? Will Laro’s solid but quiet leadership inspire this group of turds, or will he need to bring in Torts to help sort his team out. The Tunnelers have the best logo in the game, now just need the team to match it.

The Tunnelers quest for the King Street Cup beings October 7th (TONIGHT!) against the Crown Room Kings.

Merritt Islanders

Sticking with great logos we find ourselves face to face with the Merritt Islanders run by GM Ryan “I have a question” Daniels. There is nobody in the WNHL with his, let’s call it attention to detail. Even with all this attention the Islanders still found themselves in third place in 2019. Can Daniels right the ship, or will the Islanders run aground in the Welland Canal? Let’s analyze the Islanders.

In a historic move Daniels drafted an unproven rookie in the first round by taking Shawn Boychuk. This puts an incredible amount of pressure for the rookie to live up to especially since he was drafted strictly to pass Daniels the puck. In the second round, Daniels surprised absolutely nobody and selected Willard. What can you say about one of history’s greatest love stories. They are like Romeo and Juliet, in that they should both drink poison.

Daniels added to the veteran presence by drafting longtime WNHLers Tyler “The Original TJ” Stack and Jeff “Toe Drag” Donaldson. Stack, a veteran in the WNHL, also brings leadership experience as he was the first GM to win a WNHL All Star Game, while Donaldson was last seen trying to toe drag his grandmother. For the first time in a long time TJ will be the only Stack in the WNHL with his brother moving to an unknown location. I’m not sure where it is I just know you have to turn right to get there. Sandwiched in between these long time players is Pat Riley who impressed in his rookie year last season, not only with his play but also by way of long and established career in an NBA front office, which is a joke I’m sure he’s never heard before.

In another unprecedented move Daniels made the first ever mid draft trade by sending over Andy Doyle to the Atlas Steelers in return for Gav “Syphilis” Sardella. Daniels then picked up Carm “Probably not even close to his last name, but I know it ends in a vowel” Gugliemi to complete the greasiest blueline you’ve ever seen. (By greasy I mean in terms of their hockey skills and abilities. This should not be intended in any other way).

Looking at a lineup with guys like Daniels and Willard, mixed with floaters like Donaldson and Stack, the Islanders knew they needed some actual work ethic, and they went and found it in the championship rounds. Bringing in Shawn “Greyhound” McKinnon, who earned the nickname by riding a bus from Hamilton to play in the WNHL, Shawn “The Hacker” Strohak, and Evan “Spielberg” Fabiani. In my opinion, these are some strong selections for the Islanders. Somebody has to dig the puck out of the corners for all the prima donnas on this team.

Finally we come to the last two rounds, and two of the most controversial picks in the draft. Pete “Peewee” Voynovich and Dev “Belmont” Skinner. Are there two more polarizing players in the WNHL? I want to rephrase that question because one has to play to be considered a player in the WNHL. In one corner you have Pete Voynovich, who is one of the most beloved WNHL players off the ice, is so friendly he insists on hugging you on the ice. He will apologize profusely while he pulls on your jersey preventing a break away. Will actual referees find his on ice antics as charming?

Then in the other corner….well…

The Islanders will be a group to watch this year, there is a lot of top end, some might say soft, talent, and some good workhorses. Can they mesh under Daniels unique management style? Will texts at 2 a.m. with personalized game plans be a bother to players? Will the clients at Daniels work care that they are putting pucks in the net but the defence is killing them? Lots of questions for the Islanders this year, but still less than Daniels.

The quest for the King Street Cup begins October 7th, against the Atlas Steelers.

Lincoln Street Legends

Moving on from the leagues worst logo to one of the leagues best the Lincoln Street Legends. Almost cementing their title as Legends after finishing first place in the 2019 regular season as an expansion team. If GM Jay “Throw it up the middle” Thom looks to replicate that success he’s going to have find it from the fourth spot in the draft where dreams go to die. Let’s kill his dreams.

Coming out of the blocks Jay Thom went both ways and picked a WNHL O.G. and perennial first round draft pick Allan Cockell, and followed it by drafting Corey “Fauxhawk” Hutchinson. We here in the WNHL believe that the fauxhawk is the worst kind of hawk after “Mo” and “actual”. Thom selected Dryden in the third round. On the draft board he is listed as Dryden M. as in missed most of the season last year. So in the first three rounds you have the loudest, worst dressed and most absent all going to the Legends. Sounds fun.

Moving into the middle rounds, the Legends looked to balance out the unlikeable with a couple of the more likeable guys in the league, Rob “The Professor” Foster and Bill “Prince William” Crum. The flow that Foster brings to the rink will work to counteract the fauxhawk overload in the room, while Crum will bring some Fonthill class to a group of degenerates.

Jay Thom followed suit of the other three teams and brought in a familial matchup by drafting brothers Chris “Henrik” and Greg “Daniel” Bosak, who are just like the Sedins if the Sedins diet consisted of nothing but booze and weed with the occasional Rex pizza thrown in the mix. The four weeks that Cousin Save joins the team will bring the familial impact to three and give the Legends a boost on the ice and in the parking lots.

Moving into the championship rounds Thom looked to be on the right side of the law by bringing back Mike Law and following up by drafting Kris “Don’t call me a bus driver” Habjan. Then, just to ensure his team wins the title for most unlikeable, the Legends brought in Chad “Beavertail” Kellman. Nobody in the history of this game can call for a pass like Kellman.

The Legends will have a target on their back this year due to last years strong performance and the overall unlikeability of the team. Will the Legends respond like champions or will they go down like a bunch of whiney middle aged dudes complaining about not having enough guns?

The Legends quest to the top begins October 7th vs the Dain City Dusters.