Crowland Murder

In the third overall spot in this year’s WNHL draft we have the Crowland Murder, led by GM Chicken McChicken. One of the better named teams in the league, The Crowland Murder had a disastrous expansion year, last year, finishing in dead last. It’s like they were Murdered. Ha! Rumours on the street were that Chicken lost the room after first round pick Ryan Bering displayed his Fonthill like diva behaviour. The question remains, did Chicken gain enough GM knowledge to navigate the rocky seas of the WNHL season? Let’s see if Chicken botches it again.

The Murder started off by going triple “B” in the first three rounds, Brock, Beadle and Boots. The good, the bad and the ugly, it’s up for you to decide who is who. After last years first round pick flamed out, the Murder went back and picked up one of the three under 30’s that have been grandfathered in to play with their grandfathers. Brock made a big splash last year after a certain WNHL pundit said he would only score 10 goals. Apparently he took that personally. Scored 26. Loser behaviour. Chicken knows, like most do, that it can be difficult to communicate with dudes in their 20’s, that’s why he brought in Teddy Ballgame. While not in his 20’s anymore, Ballgame still has to associate with dudes in their 20’s in his role as veteran role model on the Beamsville Stingers where bats an impressive .340! That’s “lit” or something equally as stupid. (Seriously though, .340?!?! Goddamn.) Finally we come to Boots. Boots is a character. The WNHL ice time is one hour long. Boots is in the arena for one hour and eight minutes total. Smokes weed in his truck by himself before games, in the room and dressed in 4 minutes, puts his blue pants on, plays baked for 53 minutes a game, and then out of the room in four minutes and back home to wherever the hell.

In the middle rounds Chicken picked up Craig Dunsby and longtime WNHL tender Anthony Young. Boring. What am I supposed to say about these two? If they team up maybe they can form one personality. Both good at hockey, Young has won some boring accolades over the years. Moving on before I fall asleep, to the sixth round where the Murder drafted Matt Dusso who was later swapped for Ethan “Don’t Call Me Peethan” Clark bringing a second under 30 to the team. Teddy Ballgame is going to have to be a full time translator to the rest of the room as the Murder have embraced the youth movement. Chicken made a solid pick in the 7th round by grabbing Mike Law. Law has been around the block, and even though he looks like an unmade bed he has found a scoring touch in the WNHL, reaching double digit goals twice.

In the last three rounds of the snake portion of the draft the Murder picked up three unremarkable dudes (that should not have been picked before me). Spins, Albert “Your Palbert” Garofalo, and Phil “All Skill, No Thrill” Hauser. This is the part of the draft where teams are supposed to pick veteran leadership, with championship credentials to guide them through the grind of a WNHL season. Instead the Murder picked these three anonymous jabronis. Feels like a miss to me, but what do I know, I’m only a 2x King Street Cup Champion, a 2x WNHL All Star Champion, 2021 Xmas Classic Champion, 2023 Grinder of the Year and a future first ballot hall of famer, but no, you go ahead and pick Al. I can be talking about either one because the Murder also drafted that circus sideshow freak Le Grande Alain. Nobody needs be that tall and French.

Yeah. That’s a real murderers row.

The Murder finished the draft by picked up Jason “The Rat” Hatton and Kurt “Skrrrrt” Deveries. Hatton returns for his second year with the Murder, while Skrrrrt will be debuting as a rookie. Both players with something to prove while still wearing WNHL diapers.

I mean…

That’s your 2023 Crowland Murder. In his second year as GM, Chicken is learning on the go and made safe choices and picked a seemingly drama free team. So safe and drama free they become boring. The tofu of the WNHL. I can picture the room with whatever generic modern country song playing, each enjoying one, and ONLY one beer because they have to drive home and refuse to be irresponsible. A quick firm handshake on the way out the door, and you’re home in 15.

After last year’s fiasco, the Murder will consider any improvement to be a success. They are better, not the best.

Prediction – 5th place

Townline Tunnellers

Owners of possibly the best logo in the league, the Townline Tunnelers, led by GM Craig Laro, are coming back after a season more disappointing then the last season of Game of Thrones (according to nerds on the internet). Laro looking to restore the team to it’s former greatness will be doing so with the second pick in the draft. Let’s have a look at what the Tunnellers did at the draft and tell them all the places they screwed up.

In the first round the Tunnellers picked Cockell. Surprise surprise right in your goddamn eyes. Cockell going in the first round is as predictable as him calling somebody a piece of shit on Twitter. (follow Cockell on twitter, it’s a wild ride). In the second round the Tunnellers selected Dino “The Kid” Maddalena. Unreal guy. Nothing negative to say about The Kid. This dude names his stick “Showtime”, how can you not like that? In the third round Laro secured the back end by drafting Colin “Holier Than A” Nunn. (I know I used that joke last year but it’s a 10/10). Thing about Nunn is he’s a good goalie, and he does cool stuff like this:

Laro is a veteran GM, he’s been around the block. He’s led the Tunnellers to a King Street Cup Championship, he knows that good teams require balance. You saw in the first few rounds, how Cockell is balanced out with Dino. The Tunnellers picked Pat “Try Hard” Riley, and then immediately balanced that out with a Cboz, AND an Al Jones. That’s a lot of room capital to have to spend to balance out what Pat Riley brings. (intensity and dickishness).

Laro followed the blue print to the King Street Cup and locked down the blue line in the next two rounds. Joining Laro on the blue line will be the founder of the Crown Room Kings and longtime defenceman Eryn “The Chef” Warden and James “The” Mahon. The depth of the league stands how here, because after and outstanding rookie campaign “The” was still available in the eighth round. He’s an oak tree of a human who can skate. You know what? It’s probably because of his blue pants. He’s not popular enough to stand out.

Speaking of balance, the Tunnellers picked Grant Vash “eesh” and the Jeff “Psycho” Saylor in back to back rounds. Both of these players are psychopaths but on opposite ends of the spectrum. Saylor put pineapple on his pizza, ate it with a knife and fork and then did this to his own teammate;

In the championship rounds the Tunnellers finished off the roster by grabbing Scott “Marsha” Brady, Tommy “Wood Sticks” Muir and Alex “The Rizz God” Rysdale. I don’t know much about Scott Brady but he has the same first name as me, so I don’t like him. Tommy Wood Sticks is a great room guy brought in to balance out the unlikable Scott Brady (seriously dude, change your name) and I heard that Rysdale rizzed up Livvy Dunne. (that’s a sentence that only makes sense to the under 30’s in our league).

Throughout the draft Laro displayed his veteran GM knowledge by keeping a balanced of dick to non dick players. It should served him well through the season. The defence and goaltending are strong. Cockell, Dino, Riley and Cboz provide a good scoring front. Is it enough to garner a championship? Close but no blunt.

Prediction – 2nd Place

Part 1 – Merritt Islanders

As the sun rises on another WNHL season, we find ourselves on the precipice of greatness. The greatness that comes from driving down a couple slices, couple beers and couple joints, then hitting the ice with a bunch of other middle aged dudes (shut up Brock) in an attempt to hoist the most prestigious trophy in all of sports the King Street Cup. Last year it was the Merritt Islanders, led by GM Tyler Stack, who navigated their way through the season, and were able to hoist the most prestigious trophy in all of sports. As a reward for this glory they somehow received the first overall pick in this years draft because whatever the hell. Let’s take a look at what they did from the position of power.

With the first overall pick in the draft, the Islanders drafter last years Gerald Young award winner for best defenceman Kevin Wright. It’s about as obvious of a first pick as you can get. 2 King Street Cups, 1 WNHL Xmas Classic Championship, WNHL Rookie of the year, 2023 Spring 4 on 4 Champion. The guys resume is almost as impressive as the WNHL’s own Scotty Legend. Islanders kept the good times rolling by selecting Mark Doyle in the second round, building a room full of guys who don’t say much but who are pretty good at hockey. Meanwhile Jon Campbell filled his diaper knowing that the chances of playing with Doyle again are diminishing forcing Campbell to have to associate with people outside the Fonthill blood line.

After snagging Cousin Save in the third round, marking his highest draft position and upping the pressure on him, the Islanders secured their blue line by grabbing last years rookie standout Darren Dimarco, longtime WNHL blueline stalwart Jeff Beadle, and the swiss army knife of the WNHL Billy Crumm. Combining these three with Kevin Wright puts the Islanders blue line on par with…i don’t know, probably the actual Islanders defence? Who do they have? I can’t tell you, but I can tell you who they don’t have, Jeff Beadle, that’s who.

Moving in to the mid rounds of the draft, Islanders grabbed Evan “I swear I’ll make videos for the league” Fabiani and the bespectacled Jake Hope. Hope is a great pick if you’re looking players who can stick handle, probably score a couple but absolutely can not stay on his feet. This dude hits the ice more times then your average crystal meth user. Stack then looked at his draft board and muttered “hmm, too likeable of a team, I know the remedy for that”. Then drafted Shawn McKinnon just to balance it out. Say what you will about McKinnon, and I have, but you can’t argue with his dedication and intensity. Taking a bus from and playing like he is from Hamilton, and you can’t ignore the fact that he scored a critical goal in the playoffs to propel the Islanders to the King Street Cup finals. Still though, guy is kind of a huge dick.

As they advanced to the championship rounds, the Islanders picked up two Daves a Dom and a Jon (who is really screwing up the whole “D” thing). Dave Nolan (Ryan) and Dave “The Inspector” Gomez join Cousin Dave bringing the Islanders to the only 3 Dave team in the league. Tough to compete with 3 Daves it would seem. Islanders capped off the draft with rookie Dom Reid and Jon Misir. I have nothing to say about either of these players.

The Islanders, who are looking to repeat, definitely secured the blue line, but the question remains, can Stack and Doyle carry the offence enough for a repeat championship? No. No they can’t.

Prediction: 3rd Place