Season Preview – Part 5

Pelham Effing Hams

Last year saw the Dain City Dusters rebrand to the much improved Pelham Effing Hams, unfortunately, the on ice product remained the same. Stale. Stagnant. Unwinning. Unlikeable. At some point the fingers of blame have to be pointed at the long time GM of the franchise Bryan “Secondary Assist” Baz…. Baz. It’s just Baz. What does a struggling GM do to turn the franchise around? Will Baz continue to put himself on the line with the best players while the rest of the team is left to just figure it out? Does Baz have enough self respect to put out a competitive team? Let’s see how bad Baz botched the braft.

In the first round the Effing Hams made a splash by drafting “Big Balls” Blair Boychuk. Boychuk can be a controversial player on the ice but is a good addition to the room. It’s worth asking though if his toe has fully healed from his bout with gout? Too much salted and cured meats for ol’ Big Balls Boychuk. Following this pick, the Effing Hams grabbed three rookies in the next four picks. Baz was quoted as saying “No old trash on a new team”. Don’t look at me, he’s the one who said it. In the second round Baz picked rookie goaltender Joel “The Skid” Szgatti. Impressive showing in the prospects game pushed The Skid all the way up to the second round. The prospect game is one thing, but the grind of a full WNHL season is another, especially if your on the Effing Hams who consider playing defence to be “extra” and “high maintenance”

Effing Hams defence in mid season form

In the next three rounds Baz mostly stuck by his “no old trash” policy (his words, not mine) and sandwiched Dryden “The Stache” Marcotte between two more rookies, Jake “Big Mac” McDonald and Nick “Slick Dick” Rankin. (that’s a dick and a balls joke in the same write up. Not too shabby). Not much is known about either rookie, but I can tell you that Dryden can grow a mustache in between periods. Not just any mustache either, a healthy, vibrant, full blown duster. A duster that will make your mother jealous.

This is all of your moms

Moving on to the middle rounds the Effing Hams kept on boring by drafting Nate “Marsha” Brady with his goddamn green helmet (he should try fitting in too, or him and blue pants can’t start a movement), David Tucker “2.0”, and Callum “White Bread” Gomez. Brady is a good defenceman who can move the puck, Tucker was a rookie last year and was mostly invisible and Gomez can go off the glass and out with the best of them. He also might be the most boring person in the league. Just absent of personality. Would fit in great with the Murder lockerroom. Honestly, not much excitement brought by any of the three and the certainly won’t help bring home a King Street Cup.

However, if you want excitement, if you want pizzaz, the Effing Hams got you covered in the final two rounds of the straight draft by bringing in the wheeler and (more importantly) the dealer Kyle “Perc Master B” Boggio, and Chad “Fucking Hell*” Kellman. (*fucking hell to be said in exasperated tone) Boggio is a great late round pick, and adds energy to any room (mostly in pill form), and ol’ beavertails himself Kellman. Look C where C is D here, Kellman has wheels, but once he hits top gear he gets the speed wobbles, and it isn’t long before he’s gone right off the rails. (probably from hitting rails)

Boggio and Kellman rolling in on Wednesday night.

In the straight rounds the Effing Hams continued the rookie obsession by picking up Stef “From the Mean Rue’s” Giroux, Jon “Loins” Loisel and Steve “Playmaker” Pellerin, and honestly it just…

This is actually about my favourite baseball team.

This year the Effing Hams became are rocking the youth movement. Going all in with the most rookies of any team, and turning his back on the players that brought him nothing over the years. You’ll see lead by example by rocking first line minutes while playing like he’s allergic to his own blueline. His points total will be up because nobody rocks imaginary second assists like Baz. I see nothing good in thier furture.

Prediction – 8th Place